Bob Dunning: The top news stories for 2021 will be

Elsewhere this week, you have been able to read a comprehensive recap of the top news stories of 2020 as compiled by the expert staff of The Davis Enterprise. Unfortunately, this effort led to several angry tweets from President Trump because not a single story reported that he won November’s election “by a lot.”

I will not make that mistake. In fact, one of my goals for 2020 was to get mentioned at least once in a presidential tweet, but I failed. Still, I have nearly three weeks to accomplish that goal before Joe Biden takes office on Jan. 20, so please read on.

In any regard, rather than look backward in this space, I am happy to provide a look ahead to the events that are certain to take place in our community and the world in the Year of Our Lord, 2021.

After all, since most of us have been locked up for the last nine months, there’s not much memorable about 2020 other than that it has been incredibly forgettable.

Note: Several predictions from previous years have been delayed by the usual governmental red tape, not to mention a foggy crystal ball, and are thus repeated here as predicted happenings in 2021.

May I have the envelope, please?

WASH AND DRY (Jan. 1) … Gavin Newsom secretly opens a chain of laundromats in Paris.

DESPERATE MOVES (Jan. 2) … In an effort to overturn his 306-232 deficit, Donald Trump announces the suspension of Federal Student Loans to the Electoral College. “That college doesn’t even have a football team,” he says. “It should be dissolved or at least merged with Trump University.”

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? (Jan. 3) … Jill Biden says she will drop “Dr.” from her title when Donald Trump drops “President” from his title.

WATER WARS (Jan. 4) … In response to the ongoing drought, the city of Davis announces that homeowners will now be charged $5 per ccf for the amount of rainwater that falls onto their roof and into their yard. “That water rightfully belongs to Davis,” a city memo declares.

THE NAME GAME (Jan. 6) … Kamala Harris officially changes her first name to Comma-la so Republicans will have an easier time pronouncing it correctly.

G-L-O-R-I-A (Jan. 8) … President-Elect Joe Biden names Davis Mayor Gloria Partida as “Secretary of Diversity,” a newly created cabinet post. While honored with the appointment, Partida says she’s not certain she wishes to make a “lateral” move.

SQUATTER’S RIGHTS (Jan. 19) … Citing the extension of the Eviction Moratorium in the coronavirus relief package, Donald Trump claims he has until Jan. 31 to exit the White House.

BIDEN HIS TIME (Jan. 20) … With Donald Trump refusing to leave the White House, Joe Biden is sworn in as the 46th president of the United States on the steps of a Motel 6 in Wilmington, Del. Biden takes over the motel’s entire third floor for cabinet offices and turns the ground-floor circular swimming pool into the Oval Office.

FORGIVE AND FORGET? (Jan. 31) … Donald Trump and Joe Biden bump into each other (literally) on the White House front porch. “Pardon me,” Trump says. “I’ll consider it,” Biden says.

HE’S SMOKING CUBAN CIGARS NOW (Feb. 1) … Donald Trump commandeers Air Force One to Havana, where he plans to begin his government-in-exile while refusing to admit Joe Biden is President of the United States. Says he plans to keep the plane, which will also serve as his residence.

BOOKS-’N’-BLOOD (Feb. 14) … Sacramento Blood Bank merges with Avid Reader. Newly named Avid Bleeder offers a free paperback romance novel with every pint donated.

DOUBLE DOSE (Feb. 22) … Davis’ favorite restaurant changes its name to Dose Coyotes and offers free vaccinations with every burrito.

SMORES ANYONE? (March 11) … Camping World buys all of Downtown Davis and covers the entire area with the world’s largest all-weather tent, complete with space heaters and massive fans. All restaurants open for business without restrictions under special dispensation from Yolo County Health Department.

A VIEW OF THE VATICAN (March 17) … President Biden names Bob Dunning as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican. “It’s a dream come true,” says Dunning, a lifelong Catholic. “I’ve always wanted to live in Rome. I understand they have the best gelato in the world.”

HOME-GROWN TOMATOES (April 6) … Citing a worldwide shortage of stewed tomatoes, Yolo County Supervisors vote unanimously to require all almond, walnut and pistachio orchards to be replaced with canning tomatoes in time for a late-summer harvest. “Yolo was built on tomatoes, but nuts have now taken over the county,” explains Supervisor Don Saylor.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER (April 17) … UC Davis Young Republicans once again invite Vladimir Putin to ride on their Picnic Day float.

CHILDREN BEST LEAVE THE ROOM (April 30) … Six adult salmon arrested in shallow waters of Putah Creek, charged with spawning in public.

HERE COMES THE JUDGE (May 9) … Dan Wolk is named to the United States Supreme Court to replace Amy Coney Barrett, who accepts a position as head football coach at Notre Dame. Wolk is the swing vote as the high court turns down Donald Trump’s 114th motion to strike down the results of the 2020 election based on a single North Dakota absentee ballot being fraudulently sent to a moose herder in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

NEW NAME, BETTER OUTCOME (May 30) … Aggie Research Campus (ARC) developer Dan Ramos announces a project name change to “Free Beer For Everyone” (FBFE). The project passes a citywide special election with 98.7 percent of the vote.

AND THEN THERE WERE FIVE (June 1) … The National Park Service arrests Donald Trump at the top of Mount Rushmore with 10 sticks of dynamite and chiseling tools in his possession. “I got more votes than those other four guys put together,” Trump declares at his arraignment in Rapid City.

LONE STAR LOONINESS (June 12) … Texas secedes from the Union, taking the Dallas Cowboys, the Houston Astros and the nation’s entire supply of brisket with it. With only 49 states remaining, the San Francisco 49ers declare they are now America’s Team.

STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW (July 21) … After an intensive 10-year study, a joint-powers agreement is reached between Yolo County, the city of Davis and Caltrans to authorize $3.2 million to install a stop sign where westbound Road 32A meets the railroad tracks. Accidents at the site decline to zero.

HAND-PICKED PRODUCE (July 29) … The Davis City Council rules that all produce sold at the Davis Farmers Market must be planted, tended, harvested and transported by hand or foot to help the city reach its goal of carbon neutrality by Sept. 1. “This is the next logical step in the evolution of our farm-to-fork ethos,” explains city spokesperson Karen Carrot.

OFF BROADWAY (Aug. 1) … “Trump” the musical, written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, opens at the Davis Musical Theatre Company with John Goodman in the title role as a tragic-comedic figure who thinks he should be king.

NEW CAST OF CHARACTERS (Aug. 25) … After years of discussion, Disneyland confirms plans to move its entire Orange County amusement park to Yolo County and rename it Disney Davis. Explains a Disney spokesman: “We’ll bring all the characters to Davis except Goofy. He’s clearly already there.”

A WELL-DESERVED HONOR (Sept. 12) … Anne Ternus-Bellamy wins a Pulitzer Prize for Explanatory Journalism for her four-part series dispelling the long-held rumor that “Mrak” Hall is missing a vowel.

PAR FOR THE COURSE (Oct. 5) … Donald Trump joins El Macero Country Club, claims the men’s championship trophy and course record after shooting 18 consecutive aces in a solo round with no witnesses. “I won by a landslide,” he beams while tweeting a photo of his scorecard.

BAG BAN STRENGTHENED (Nov. 22) … Adding extra oomph to an already strict state law, the city of Davis bans plastic bags, paper bags, Glad bags, handbags, saddlebags, gift bags, windbags, airbags, scumbags, dirtbags, sandbags, beanbags, bagpipes, bagpipers, bag ladies, bag men, bags under the eyes, baggy pants, Baggin’s End, people named Bagley and baguettes.

MOTTO MANIA MARCHES ON (Nov. 24) … Davis City Council votes 5-0 to adopt the official city motto: “Davis — More Nuts Than Winters.”

DIVERSIFY OR ELSE (Dec. 2) … After the switch to district elections does not produce the results envisioned by the California Voting Rights Act, the state Supreme Court disbands the entire Davis City Council and appoints five new members to serve lifetime terms. “It’s clear the people of Davis cannot be trusted to vote properly,” the court declares in a unanimous decision.

NOSTRADAMUS STRIKES AGAIN (Dec. 31) … The Davis Enterprise names all of the above as the top news stories of 2021.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]

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